Bacchus Beer Scooters mystery revealed

March 29, 2002

How did you get home last night?

The age-old mystery of how drunken people manage to find their way home on a Saturday night has been answered by one of our investigators in the field.

Helen has sent us a detailed report on Bacchus Beer Scooters.

The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and now runs a franchise using these magical devices.

After the pubs and clubs have closed, the winged scooter swoops down and scoops up drunken passengers, depositing them in their beds via a trans-dimensional portal. This can be a very unpleasant experience which often results in nausea, bruises and gargantuan attacks of snoring.

In payment for this service, sundry coinage is removed from the customer’s pockets, and scraps of paper with telephone numbers of potential dates are mysteriously liberated.

This phenomenon often gives rise to questions in the morning, such as: “How did I get home?” “How the hell did I spend so much money?” “What was her name again?” and “Why does my head feel like a half-erupted volcano?”

Many thanks to Helen for passing this on.