A flood of new Gods

April 29, 2002

Oceanarama

Extra special thanks to site visitor Rapine for sending more Gods our way.

Having consulted the Holy Database, Rapine points out that the Oceanic God UENUKU is not the God of War, but actually the God of the Rainbow. Which puts us in a tricky situation because he seems to be both.

The trouble with the legends of Oceana is that there are more islands and peoples than fishes in the sea. And every culture has its own twist on the legendary themes. Gods from one island pop up in another. They change their names. They hide and sneak about. They impersonate one another. It’s a nightmare for dedicated Godcheckers!

But, following our work on the African Gods Section, we’ve worked out a way to keep track of all the Oceanic Gods, even if we have to nail them to the floor!

So stay tuned for more Gods than you ever thought possible, including African, Maori, and the rest of those pesky Oceanics.


Economy-size pack of Chinese Gods

April 22, 2002

This week’s special offer!

Thanks to our bulk purchasing power, we can now offer eight Gods for the price of one! Yes, the EIGHT IMMORTALS are now instore at our Godwatch department.

Thrill to the exciting tale of LI and his iron crutch! Swoon over the heart-rending legend of LAN and her boil ointment! Gasp as the death-defying HAN falls out of a tree!


Roman Gods to bring world peace

April 20, 2002

Planets form an orderly queue

A once-in-a-lifetime event is taking place at this very moment. MARS, JUPITER, VENUS and other Top Gods of the Roman planet suite are lining up to bring amazing changes to the world.

Over the next few weeks, the five volunteer planets will be aligning themselves into a straight line visible to the naked eye. According to our resident astrologer, this will bring untold benefits to planet Earth:

– Supermarket queues will get shorter
– Road rage will evaporate
– McDonald’s burgers will taste astoundingly delicious
– TV programs will be worth watching
– Terrorists will apologise and promise never to do it again
– Microsoft will apologise and promise never to do it again
– Every football team will WIN!

For more information on the Roman God Benefit Bonanza, consult the news item here.


Unholy virus alert

April 16, 2002

Is your computer invaded by demons?

Terrible news! A report by the Reverend Jim Peasboro reveals that one in ten computers in America now houses an evil demon bent on Satanic corruption. (This is not to be confused with Windows XP, which is a completely beneficial operating system blessed by the Pope.)

According to the Rev, demons – the evil agents of Satan – ‘can possess anything with a brain’. This includes men, women, children – and now computers. (And also, apparently, chickens.) Details of the report can be found here.

Meanwhile, to protect our loyal visitors from demonic outbreaks, the Godchecker Research Team can reveal the following facts:

Symptoms of the evil infestation:

  • Suspicious clicking and whirring inside the computer
  • Satanic symbols cunningly disguised as desktop icons
  • ‘Page not found’ errors when accessing holy websites such
    as www.godchecker.com
  • Unsolicited email messages from Nigeria

What you can do to protect yourself

  • Invest in a good quality demon-checking program.
    (We recommend Norton’s Anti-Satan 2002.)
  • Ensure your system is thoroughly exorcised at least once a week
  • Sprinkle your keyboard with a reputable brand of Holy Water
  • Never open any email attachments labelled SATAN.EXE
  • Do not be tempted to sell your soul on Ebay

More advice, taken from the End Times Deliverance Center Manual, can be found here. Good luck.