Anti-slug rally asks the Gods for help
We were pleased to receive this email from DB Lenke, who doesn’t live in Portland, Oregon:
Honoured & Esteemed Godcheckers
I asked your stupid Oracle whether there are any Snail Gods or demons and it gave me some inane sentention. I have been surfing the net for hours without success.
I need the information for a special snail party where I plan to stage an anti-slug rally, recite snail poetry, and use all other available means to reduce the damage done to my garden by snails and slugs next year. I already have two representations of snaildom, each about a foot long and wooden, which could play an important part in any ritual.
So please tell me, are there Snail or Slug Gods or demons? Any time, any culture, are acceptable. I’d rather not invent my own, as this may compromise the desired outcome.
Our Godchecker-In-Chief writes:
Your email caused great excitement. On the very same day, a news flash proclaimed that the Queen of England is putting gifts received over the years on display (those that hath shall receive). Amongst them is a box of snail shells. Why the Queen should be given a box of snail shells remains a closely-guarded state secret, but we’re betting her plants never get eaten.
Things you need to know:
1) Slugs and snails love beer.
Give votive offerings in shallow receptacles and they will drink themselves into oblivion. Any beer will suffice – beer dregs, stale beer, American beer, they are not fussy.
2) Gastropods do not like copper.
Ring your pots with copper wire. Also booby trap the earth, but check your plants don’t have a copper allergy.
3) Have you tried giant African cannibal snails?
These are BIG and very predatory. They’ll follow every trail – and munch merrily through anything exuding the merest hint of slime. When they’ve finished feasting, feed them a cabbage and give them some decent beer. They can drink half a pint or more before they keel over, but tend to be grouchy the morning after.
4) Wooden snails are very good.
Votive offerings with special incantations to the Holy Snail™ of Godchecker can only be beneficial. We can be of assistance here – simply send your sacrificial offerings in used notes to our High Priest at the usual address. All major credit cards accepted.
5) Stay tuned for Snail and Slug Gods.
Further info will be found in the Holy Database in due course….
When is your Snail Party? Are we invited?