January 20, 2003
Primitive pregnancies revealed in the stars
A tiny hunk of ancient mammoth tusk contains the world’s first pregnancy testing kit, claims German archeologist Dr Michael Rappenglueck.
The tiny ivory tablet, found in a cave in the Alb-Danube region of Germany, bears the image of the constellation ORION as seen 32,500 years ago. Which could well be the first recorded picture of a God we know about.
And on the back are 86 mysterious marks. These have caused experts much head-scratching, but Dr Rappenglueck believes they correspond to the 86 days that Betelgeuse, ORION’s brightest star, is visible from Earth. Now pay attention: 365 days of the year, minus 86 mysterious marks, equals the average gestation period of a human baby.
What does this mean? It means that primitive babies could only be conceived when ORION The Hunter gave the word. We imagine whole tribes of broody females watching the night sky impatiently.
Anyone who cares to try ORION’s Betelgeuse Method of contraception is welcome to share their experiences with Godchecker.
January 1, 2003
We made it to 2003!
It was a year of ups and downs, trials and tribulations, aardvarks and ostriches. We spent much of the time standing on one leg in a bowl of Holy Custard, in an attempt to appease the Gods of Chaos. Unfortunately we used chocolate custard instead of vanilla and thus chaos ruled.
The Gods smile upon us
We’ve seen our collection of Gods double in size, with over 2000 deities now logged and detailed in the Holy Database. Our Google ranking has zoomed up the Heavenly Ladder, and we’re now getting more visitors per week than we used to get in a month!
Great Things afoot for 2003
We have many plans. Our range of Godchecker merchandise is just starting to appear. Soon we’ll be offering Holy T-shirts, God Clocks and maybe even a Do-It-Yourself Sacrifice Kit.
Meanwhile, we’re frantically working on the Holy Database Engine. Once the mystic code is ready, you’ll be able to find exactly the right God, complete with pictures, related Gods and much much more. Expect a demo page here soon!
And now a serious word from our Godchecker-In-Chief
At this festive time of year, while you recover from guzzling, gorging and groaning with pleasure, please spare a thought for those Gods less fortunate than you. Neglected, hungry and often barefoot deities need your support.
All we ask is a very small sacrifice. Send your surplus presents, mince pies and bottles of wine to Godchecker’s GODS IN NEED APPEAL. We’ll make sure your unwanted gifts reach those poor desperate Gods who’ve fallen on hard times. All major credit cards accepted.