You too can be a God

Employment opportunities for trainee deities

Bored with humdrum existence? Sick of being mortal? Unhappy with your current career choice? Why not ascend the heavenly ladder and become a God? It’s a good job with prospects, and the perks are astonishing. Tax-free beer. Acolytes devoted to your every need. Plush offices and your very own company chariot.

With over 2,000 Gods on our books, we feel you can never have too many immortals. So we were delighted to discover the Complete Guide to Self-Immortalization, a website devoted to turning people into Gods. (Not to mention Goddesses.) Created and managed by Frenchy, the Goddess of Belly Dancing, this site is a mine of information for the budding deity.

Be the envy of your friends – deify yourself today.

Radio shocker: Angry Gods slam BBC

No religion please, we’re atheists

Gods of all creeds have blasted BBC Radio bosses for their decision to broadcast a non-Godly version of Thought For The Day. This 3 minute slot traditionally contains a religious message of mind-numbing boredom, but a protest group of atheists, politicians and other unGodly people have won their campaign to broadcast non-religious messages of mind-numbing boredom instead.

The first secular Thought For The Day was delivered by Richard Dawkins, the noted scientist and God-basher. Reaction to his broadcast was muted as nobody actually listens to the programme anyway. However, a spokesdeity for the Amalgamated Union Of Top Gods warned of extreme displeasure within the Godly community, and threatened strike action. “We’ll strike them down with a thunderbolt,” he said. Further reprisals were being drawn up, and possible plagues and infestation of boils could not be ruled out, he revealed.

Prompted by the controversy, the Society For The Preservation Of Obscure Gods has urged the BBC to rethink its policy. SPOG claims the minor deities have been discriminated against. In a statement they said: “Every God should have a voice. By concentrating on big corporate religions like Christianity and ignoring the Gods of Rome, Greece, Norway and Siberia, the BBC is promoting a completely biased view of religious belief. Quetzacoatl is most displeased.”

Meanwhile, deities from the Underworld are considering their response. We understand Satan in particular is very keen to get in front of a microphone.

Household protection out of the box

Godchecker Industries Inc is pleased to present the God Box.

Created by artist and designer Jacqui Saunders, the God Box is a beautiful piece of objet d’art which will add a unique touch of Godliness to any home.

Jacqui tells us: “The God Box was designed as a house warming gift, and features a protective effigy of BES, the Egyptian Household God. Bread, wine and salt are also included as lucky tokens. It’s made in mixed media with a wooden casing, size 8 x 10 inches (approx). But customised God Boxes can be created to cover your particular needs or preferred God.”

Hand-crafted and customised God Boxes are available direct from Jacqui, with prices starting at a very reasonable £25 ($38). For more information, please contact Jacqui via the Godchecker office.

Party time for snail worshippers

Anti-slug rally asks the Gods for help

We were pleased to receive this email from DB Lenke, who doesn’t live in Portland, Oregon:

Honoured & Esteemed Godcheckers
I asked your stupid Oracle whether there are any Snail Gods or demons and it gave me some inane sentention. I have been surfing the net for hours without success.

I need the information for a special snail party where I plan to stage an anti-slug rally, recite snail poetry, and use all other available means to reduce the damage done to my garden by snails and slugs next year. I already have two representations of snaildom, each about a foot long and wooden, which could play an important part in any ritual.

So please tell me, are there Snail or Slug Gods or demons? Any time, any culture, are acceptable. I’d rather not invent my own, as this may compromise the desired outcome.

Our Godchecker-In-Chief writes:

Your email caused great excitement. On the very same day, a news flash proclaimed that the Queen of England is putting gifts received over the years on display (those that hath shall receive). Amongst them is a box of snail shells. Why the Queen should be given a box of snail shells remains a closely-guarded state secret, but we’re betting her plants never get eaten.

Things you need to know:

1) Slugs and snails love beer.

Give votive offerings in shallow receptacles and they will drink themselves into oblivion. Any beer will suffice – beer dregs, stale beer, American beer, they are not fussy.

2) Gastropods do not like copper.

Ring your pots with copper wire. Also booby trap the earth, but check your plants don’t have a copper allergy.

3) Have you tried giant African cannibal snails?

These are BIG and very predatory. They’ll follow every trail – and munch merrily through anything exuding the merest hint of slime. When they’ve finished feasting, feed them a cabbage and give them some decent beer. They can drink half a pint or more before they keel over, but tend to be grouchy the morning after.

4) Wooden snails are very good.

Votive offerings with special incantations to the Holy Snail™ of Godchecker can only be beneficial. We can be of assistance here – simply send your sacrificial offerings in used notes to our High Priest at the usual address. All major credit cards accepted.

5) Stay tuned for Snail and Slug Gods.

Further info will be found in the Holy Database in due course….

When is your Snail Party? Are we invited?

UPDATE: See DB Lenke’s exclusive Anti-Slug Report here!